Last Thursday, my supervisor cancelled my weekly PhD meeting and instead requested that we sit down and go through my thesis and decide what we need to do moving forward. Both Pawel and David agreed that I should not be doing anymore lab work and just focus on writing my thesis! There it is "only focus on writing".

Productivity: From Friday onwards, I started writing all my results down. I wrote a lot in the span of 4 days and I felt that if I kept writing then I could be finished by the end of the month.

Unproductive: On Wednesday 23 August, I had a really bad day of writing. By 3 pm, I was on the lounge watching a TV show. I did not attempt to recommence writing for the rest of the evening. It really messed me around on Thursday. At this rate, I won't finish my PhD in time!

A tip to improve productivity: I was lucky this week in my Thursday meeting. I got a few tips from my supervisors about writing. David commented that the best thing to do when you are not feeling like thinking is to write out the methods chapter. He was right. Writing out my methods chapter is a simple way to get myself in the mood of writing and to continue my writing routine.

More unproductivity: This morning, I went driving around Wollongong to try and get a quote to fix my passenger-side mirror of my car. Grant from Fernhill Smash Repairs told me that he would be in touch later in the afternoon. NOTE: the passenger side-mirror is no longer afixed to the car as I nipped it off on the way home from the beach yesterday. Without a passenger side-mirror, I cannot drive my car. This means that I can't drive to North Wollongong beach! I need to paddle in the morning for me to feel fresh for a day of writing! This screwed up my whole day. At 10 am, I gave up on writing and decided to head to Innovation Campus to get some data off the computers. I ran there and remained until 4 pm..... and that is all I did today.

In the evening, Nick and I walked to The Barrel Shephard for dinner and drinks. I felt aweful, like I didn't deserve to be going out after a day of very little work and progress. Note to future self: stop going into the lab, save it for the weekend or afternoons.

When I woke up at 5.55 am, it seemed like it was going to be another cracker of a day. I prepared for teaching, went for a run, did some stretching and showered all before 8.30 am. I was more than ready to make huge progress today!

I arrived at work at 9 am and from the minute I began to do things in the lab, everything went wrong. I couldn't get any good data. Around 10 am, I went to get help to fix a cable for my potentiostat (as the wires lost connection to reduce the signal). However, I was unsuccessful in getting help. A colleague/researcher said to meet her at 3 pm to repair the cable; but I couldnt wait this long as I was due to teach at 1.30 til 4.30 pm (Week 3 of Semester 2)..

By this point it was 11 am - I was feeling really tired and unmotivated.

My first thought was to go home. I lost motivation when I realised that I would only be home for 1 hour before having to leave again. Instead, I pulled out my soft back warmer from my draw and used it as a pillow. I put my head down on the desk and had an hour nap.

I woke up less tired than before, but really groggy. I packed my safety glasses and water bottle into my handbag and walked towards my car, then drove to the main campus. Travel between the innovation campus and the main campus is really tedious and it is often difficult to find parking in the middle of the day.

I was parked and ready to get out of the car at 1 pm. I walked towards Panzinis, a cafe located in front of the UOW library. I go here for coffee because they offer staff discounts and I love discouts! I ordered my coffee and it was made within 5 minutes. It was a rather pleasant experience - too bad that I was not in a good mood.

The undergraduate chemistry labs are located in building 21 on level 3. I headed here after I was handed my coffee - but I was at least 20 minutes early. When I walked into the lab, it was empty abar one demonstrator - Sue. I chatted for less than a minute before rereading over my emails that said I was only rostered for Week 9. In sheer disbelief, I spent a few minutes researching my emails and was convinced that I showed up for no reason! In embarrassment, I left and drove to North Wollongong beach. "Wow" I thought. "How stupid". "Why didn't I read my emails?"

I was pretty relieved though, because I didn't really want to teach. I don't need the extra funds that bad and it's not worth taking time away from my writing. Excited that I could fix the potentiostat, I also sent an email to a colleague, indicating my error and that I would be there at 3 pm.

Just as I was about to get out of my car and go for a dip in the ocean to calm down my anxiety and embarrassment, I received an email from Giel (the subject coordinator) who asked me to come back because I was rostered to work. Can you believe how embarrassed I was after this? It took me 15 minutes to return, park and walk to the labs. I quickly walked into the service room, dodging the lines of students waiting to collect a pH probe for their experiment. I threw on a red lab coat, my safety glasses and grabbed a pen.

I apologised several times to Giel and I literally felt like slapping my forehead because it was such a stupid thing that happened. The worst thing though, was sending a third email to my colleague telling her that I was wrong and I was meant to teach!

The labs were very slow and very basic. The students were working on acid-base titrations. In that moment, I thought that it wasn't too bad. I actually enjoyed it. I'm just glad that I don't have to teach all the time. The labs ended at 4.30 pm. I drove straight home and relaxed until dinner time.

I honestly feel like I wasted the whole day.

Lately, I have been freaking out with the amount of work still left in my PhD. Today, I had planned to have a writing day but I realised as I opened various thesis chapters, that I have actually written a lot! At 11 am, I decided to head into the lab to try to resynthesise a monomer for my second research chapter. While searching the freezer for my materials, I came across a molecule that I had synthesised previously, but never used. It was a dibromo-compound that was initially synthesised for a grignard reaction.

For fun, I set up a 1 mL (200 mg) scale direct arylation polymerisation. For the rest of the day, I felt so happy and accomplished. I feel so excited to work this polymer up and characterise it.

To hear more about this, and see the fun I have with these reactions, visit side projects.

It's already August! Wow, where has the time gone? Five months left until I need to submit my PhD thesis.

I arrived home from work after an unsuccessful day in the lab. The electrodes attached to my potentiostat were disfunctioning. I spent my 3 hours of lab time, trying to trouble shoot the problem. With the help of one of the guys in the workshop, I was able to fix the electrode. However, upon a "dummy test", the signal was not strong. I gave up, and decided to go home and not waste anymore time.

I arrived home and prepared a quiche for dinner. I was feeling inspired by Emma (as over the weekend, she made a really awesome scrambled eggs). The egg filling alone contained some butter and rosemary.

After I finished preparing dinner, I was still in the mood to cook - anything to avoid working on my thesis! I decided to prepare tomorrow nights dinner as well.

I don't know about you, but I get tired of eating similar things all the time. I feel like it is super boring and not creative at all. While I was having these thoughts, I had finished the rest of our loaf of bread. That's when I was inspired to make some bread.

I remember when I was much younger, around 15 years old and would often bake various things for my family. I enjoyed baking a lot - from bread to cakes. However, I saw so many people around me who were a lot better. I often compared myself to others and it really demotivated me to cook (Yes, I always wanted to be the best). I wonder what life would have been like if I didn't compare myself and just did the things that I enjoyed - because I enjoyed them.

Maybe my enjoyment of baking and "creative cooking" is the reason that I chose chemistry. I always wonder what drove me to stay in chemistry. I usually say that it was because I got the best marks for the least amount of effort - which is probably true. Now, I am thinking that it was also because I was using my hands to create something. Synthesis is very similar to cooking: a step by step process to create something wonderful.

The funny thing is though, I struggle so much to follow recipes. The same thing applies in the lab: I struggle a lot to follow new synthetic protocols. This caused so much stress during my undergrad: as I didn't perform as well as some of the other students. Somehow I have made it through and am almost finished a PhD in chemistry! Sometimes I forget how amazing it is that I've made it this far. Dani had to remind me earlier today when we were discussing my PhD.

It didn't take long to change my attitude once I acknowledged it.

Over the last few days, I have had time to reflect on my actions and my feelings and I realised that I need to be kinder to myself and try to think of "criticism" as "feedback". My Supervisors have 50 years of experience over me, so I need to stop comparing myself to other people. Instead, I need to compare myself from the start of my PhD to myself now. I am very proud of how much I've grown as a person and a scientist.

My feelings of doom have become more optimistic as I feel excited to finish and get a job in the real world! It's funny how a little bit of perspective can make the world around you seem more positive.

This weekend, I am taking a break and we are heading up to Terrigal for Emma's 30th birthday and Hens weekend! Should be good.

Currently I am writing my thesis and subsequent manuscripts. I have so many emotions towards finishing my PhD. At times I am really enjoying writing, and at other times I just want it all to finish. But the thought of finishing my PhD gives me a lot of anxiety, as this is all I've known for a long time. I fear that I will be terrible at any job I get in the future. Right now, I justify my work as "I am just a student", I am learning. What if, when I finish my PhD, I can't find anything that I am good at? What if I can't find a job that I like? This really scares me and I often worry about it.

At 9 am this morning, I had a meeting with my supervisors, to talk about my long awaited, first manuscript. We spoke about the structure and story of the research paper, and their feedback was very helpful. I'm kicking myself that I didn't show them sooner and push for this to be published 2 years ago (when the work was originally done).

During this meeting, I didn't realise that I was figgeting a lot. I was playing with my hair, biting my nails, moving around and just sitting very casually. Afterwards, it was pointed it out, and I was really embarrassed. I am glad that he said something to me though, because I feel like in future meetings I can pay closer attention to it.

In my defense though, my PhD feels very casual. I feel like my supervisors are my family; but maybe I am taking my comfort for granted. I also feel like it is not my work place. I am not treated like a staff member, nor do I get the same treatment as a staff member.

I went home after the meeting feeling really embarrased and a bit upset. To be honest, at the moment, I don't like certain things about myself; like my current connection with friends or my behaviour when I am stressed or anxious. I feel like I've spent a lot of time complaining about things and blaming others for my bad attitude. I need to retake control of my actions, stop complaining and just get stuff done.

I worked through comments for the rest of the day and then around 4 pm, I decided to go out for a run. Running has always helped me cope with my anxiety. I ran 10 km - which is the most I've ran since the marathon back in July 2022. My mood significantly improved since the run; however, not long after, I started to feel a bit sad. I want things to change. I want to be better.

Last night, Nick and I went to the movies to watch Oppenheimer, followed by dinner at Din Tai Fung in Miranda. The movie was really good, it told the story of Robert J Oppenheimer, a theoretical phyicist who helped to build the atomic bomb. I read some other reviews online. They say that Christopher Nolan got a lot of the biography right, with only a little bit of dramatisation.

We sat on the beds at the front of the cinema. It was so comfortable and I was so happy that we chose those seats because it was a 3 hour movie! The alternative seating would've been wildly uncomfortable.

Dinner afterwards was also really great. We had dumplings and steamed buns! Yummy.

An update on my shoulder: On 31 May, I fell off my paddle board and hit the right side of my body on the ground (the waves were very dumping at NW beach). As a result, I could barely move my arm or shoulder. As of last week, my shoulder was not in good shape - even after 5 weeks! Last week, I went for an xray. The doctor says that there may be some form of a fracture in my scapula bone. She requested that I get a CT scan. The CT scan confirmed that I have a fracture of the acromion. To my luck though, it is not located in the joint, nor does it affect the joint. Now it's just a waiting game to heal.

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