Currently I am writing my thesis and subsequent manuscripts. I have so many emotions towards finishing my PhD. At times I am really enjoying writing, and at other times I just want it all to finish. But the thought of finishing my PhD gives me a lot of anxiety, as this is all I've known for a long time. I fear that I will be terrible at any job I get in the future. Right now, I justify my work as "I am just a student", I am learning. What if, when I finish my PhD, I can't find anything that I am good at? What if I can't find a job that I like? This really scares me and I often worry about it.
At 9 am this morning, I had a meeting with my supervisors, to talk about my long awaited, first manuscript. We spoke about the structure and story of the research paper, and their feedback was very helpful. I'm kicking myself that I didn't show them sooner and push for this to be published 2 years ago (when the work was originally done).
During this meeting, I didn't realise that I was figgeting a lot. I was playing with my hair, biting my nails, moving around and just sitting very casually. Afterwards, it was pointed it out, and I was really embarrassed. I am glad that he said something to me though, because I feel like in future meetings I can pay closer attention to it.
In my defense though, my PhD feels very casual. I feel like my supervisors are my family; but maybe I am taking my comfort for granted. I also feel like it is not my work place. I am not treated like a staff member, nor do I get the same treatment as a staff member.
I went home after the meeting feeling really embarrased and a bit upset. To be honest, at the moment, I don't like certain things about myself; like my current connection with friends or my behaviour when I am stressed or anxious. I feel like I've spent a lot of time complaining about things and blaming others for my bad attitude. I need to retake control of my actions, stop complaining and just get stuff done.
I worked through comments for the rest of the day and then around 4 pm, I decided to go out for a run. Running has always helped me cope with my anxiety. I ran 10 km - which is the most I've ran since the marathon back in July 2022. My mood significantly improved since the run; however, not long after, I started to feel a bit sad. I want things to change. I want to be better.